Monday 18 November 2013

Finding Destiny

Last week the annual fair came to town and I prepared myself to face the usual begging techniques from Meg as she tried to persuade me that she was big enough to go on every single ride there was.  I was laughing with a friend about allowing Meg to go on the bigger fairground rides and how I couldn't shake the fear that they were constructed in less than a day and so how on earth could they be safe?  'Thank God I know my child has a destiny!' I remarked, laughing merrily.

Several days later I found myself clinging on for dear life (never mind the two super strong carabiners holding me in place) on a platform, a significant distance above the ground, battling wave after wave of nausea, frantically trying to batten down the hatches in the part of my brain which was screaming out that I could plunge to my demise with one wrong step.  To make matters worse the wind had picked up and I was really not sure I could carry on.

Then a voice, gently said to me, '...and what about your destiny?'

I'm a big one for God speaking to me visually, as those who read Finding Life might already know.  I think I have so many thoughts bouncing around competing for space in my brain that it's only when I'm faced with something right in front of me that I stop and listen to what God is saying.  Nobody's perfect, right?

Anyway, back to the platform in the beautiful forest and blustery wind.

Right at that moment, Holy Spirit was there with me, asking, prompting and reassuring.

'The God who made the trees and this very wind you are afraid of.  The God who chose you, hand-crafted you and watches over you.  What does HE say your destiny is?'

I find myself at the moment, well for the past few years really, downplaying myself and my abilities.  Dismissing dreams and ideas as useless, selfish or unimportant.  Wanting so very much to make a difference but at a loss as to how I can achieve that when the dreams that I have seem so lofty and out of my grasp.

Recently, a fellow blogger felt inspired to gather together some Christian female bloggers based in the UK and start a group where we could be open and share with each other.  Out of that has come an idea to have a collective blog or linky where we can join together to form a network of UK Christian women bloggers.  I am so excited by the potential this has and haven't been able to stop thinking it over since the idea was first suggested.  It feels very timely and very right.

Writing is one of the dreams I always carried but had dismissed after having children and settling down, thinking that my time had passed and I wouldn't be able to find the time to write alongside everything else I was doing.  In September, stepping out and following God's call on my life saw me leaving my job as an Office Administrator and becoming a full time writer.  Since then I have seen so many doors opened, it has been almost unbelievable.  Almost.

I am confident that this is another step in the right direction, this network of women who can share the gospel and evangelise using the power of the written word.  By being honest and real, and us.  Each woman in the group has a different story to tell, a different experience and collectively this is going to result in something amazing.

'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.' Ecclesiastes 3:1

I feel challenged at this moment to acknowledge that I have an amazing and God-given destiny and that no matter how hard the wind might blow, whether I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingertips or whether stepping forwards is as easy as stepping off the platform to come down that last zip-wire, full of joy and relief...however it feels, I can't pretend that God hasn't placed a specific call on my life.  He has.  I'm not sure exactly what that looks like but I believe that this is my time to find my destiny...and although it's exciting and terrifying in equal parts, it's going to be amazing.

One of my favourite books in the bible is Esther.  Some time ago I received a word from God which said I was called to be an Esther in my generation.  I have never known what that meant exactly, I still don't know but I have always held it close to my heart, waiting.  Maybe now is the time?

'For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise from another place...and who knows but that you have come to the position for such a time as this.' Esther 4:14

How is God challenging you at the moment?

Monday 4 November 2013

Finding Life

I had been having a terrible week, you know the kind of week where everything you touch seems to shrivel and die.  It made me want to curl up under my duvet and not rear my head for about a decade, I was just so fed up.  I'm quite an emotional person and it takes a lot of conscious effort for me to not be ruled by how I'm feeling.  When carrying out daily activities is hard work then I know I'm about at the point where I've had enough.

So, I was having one of those weeks.  I'd just got off the phone to my husband telling him the latest things which had turned belly up for us and I went outside into the garden to get some fresh air.  


Over the summer I had planted various things and tried to grow them, without success.  I am not green fingered in the slightest and at the moment my garden bears witness to this.  It looks kind of like a plant graveyard actually, with black and wizened strawberry plants and flowers and things littered around.  One of the things I had tried my hand at was a tomato plant.  I had successfully got the plant part to grow but it hadn't produced any kind of fruit before it too had succumbed and died.


I was wandering around the garden feeling sorry for myself when I noticed a flash of red out of the corner of my eye.  I headed over to the plant pot and there, hanging off a very dead looking stem was a bright red tomato.  I couldn't believe it, how on earth had the tomato managed to grow when everything around it was dead and dying?




God spoke to me as I was standing there in wonder looking at this tomato and trying to prevent the dog from eating it.  He reminded me that He is the restorer, He takes what is broken and makes it like new.  Even in the darkest of places, the bleakest of circumstances, when everything around you feels rotten and destroyed and broken, He can call forth life.  Not just any life either, but a life of abundance and of freedom.


Sometimes we are going to have a bad week.  But God doesn't stop being amazing.


Sometimes we are going to feel like we've reached our limit and had enough.  But God doesn't stop calling us forwards into the life He has destined for us.


Sometimes we are going to cry out in despair, wondering how anything else could possibly go wrong.  Call out to God and He will come and wrap his loving and protective arms around you, carry you and guide you.


God is a God of light and life and love.


If you are feeling fed up just remember that God can revitalise and refresh you, He can bring you back to a place of enjoying life even if you can't see it!  Take some time to stop and reflect, to remember and regenerate.  Then pick yourself up and move forwards with God.


He is the Giver of Life.


'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' John 1 v 4-5


and my favourite version of all - The Message, how awesome is this:


'What came into existence was Life, and The Life was Light to live by.  The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out.' John 1 v 4-5


Saturday 7 September 2013

Hello, My Old Friend

I can't start this post in any way other than by saying I was shocked when I realised how long it has been since I've come here to write, to share.  Life got a bit busy, a bit hectic and things began to fall by the wayside, this blog included.  It was harder to find the time to put aside to come and focus on what God was saying.  So I didn't.  I kept 'meaning to' but good intentions are useless without action aren't they?

On Sunday, the Pastor was talking about Devotional Pathways and the different ways we each engage with God best.  I was hit by this sudden sense of loss whilst I was listening, and aware that I wasn't utilising my devotional pathway at all.  I meet with God in a variety of ways, through music and dance, through nature, I guess I fall into the 'reflective' category.  But the times when I know I'm meeting with God is when I'm doing what I believe I was called to do, write.  By not writing, I'm not giving myself 100% over to God.  I'm not doing the very thing that I know God wants me to be doing.


I don't have a reason for this, other than laziness.  We are going through a huge transitional period as a family and having to adjust so much, life doesn't look the same as it did 2 weeks ago let alone 4 months ago and whilst my brain is frantically trying to sift through it all and make sense, things have been pushed to the side and forgotten about.


The worst part is, I've been wandering around carrying this great sense of something being missing, life not being enough any more.  I've felt like I'm holding a ball of wool in my hands and it's unravelling faster and faster and no matter how many times I try to gather all the threads back together, they don't look or fit right.  I recognise now (hindsight is a wonderful thing!) that I've been missing my devotional time.  My time with God.  I've been trying to sort it out my own way and then wondering why I feel like there's something not quite right.  


Thank goodness God doesn't operate a 'three strikes and you're out' policy otherwise I'd be toast!


As we come out of this period of adjustment, I'm setting myself the challenge of making sure I find the time each week to have some devotional time.  I'd like to say every day but I know at the minute, that our lives are too hectic and I'd soon become overwhelmed with guilt when I failed to make that happen.


I am so excited for what this blog could become, and I really want to give some time to sharing the thoughts and ideas that God has put on my heart.  Hopefully I can make that happen!


I love this version of Matthew 6 v 33 from the Message as I think it's so relevant to what I've been forgetting lately:


'Steep your life in God-reality, God initiative  God-provisions.  Don't worry about missing out.  You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.'


Jess x


Friday 17 May 2013

God is in the Small Stuff {Learning contentment}

"I have learned in whatever situation, I am be to be content" Phillippians 4 v 11 

It's a massive challenge to me to learn contentment.  I'm such a 'next stage' person, always considering what our next move should be and what we should be looking to do.

With wanting so desperately for my husband to find a new job and him not being successful despite a handful of opportunities, we're feeling the strain of our existing situation tenfold.  Every late night, stressful scenario, cancelled days leave, is just another load to bear.

How can you learn contentment when your situation seems so rubbish?

I believe the following steps can help (I am writing these from a place of reflection and as a challenge to myself!)


Learning and remembering to give thanks for the small things.  

Sometimes, we're so preoccupied with looking up, asking God to move in and change our circumstances, that we don't pay attention to God working in the small stuff.  Take, for example, the fact that in the past month we have had around 5 car break-ins on our street and yet (quite by accident) my car sat unlocked for three days and was totally untouched.  God is working in the small things!

I think sometimes it can feel like we're looking for God in every day scenarios but the truth is that God is interested in the everyday.  If he knows the number of hairs on our head you can be sure he knows all the minute details of our lives and cares about them!

It's important as well to give thanks for those small details.  I have recently joined in with a linky on Catch A Single Thought called 'Reasons to be cheerful' which is all about finding the joy in the small every day things.  Never take things for granted.  I know several families who are dealing with sickness at the moment and that makes me so thankful to God for my own, healthy family.


"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" Thessalonians 5 v 16-18


Remember that God is in control of our lives.
If we truly believe that, and can have faith that God has a perfect plan for us, then we don't need to sweat over what the next stage of our lives will look like.  We just need to listen to what God is saying right now and be obedient.

This also means giving our expectations up and surrendering them to God.  What I want my life to look like; how I think things should work out; in my ideal world what would our lives be...this can be tricky as I believe that God does place dreams and desires on our hearts.  But the key here is that if it truly is a God given dream, then by moving when God says move, and being obedient to him, then the dreams and desires God has given us will come to fruition.


Don't compare your lives and situations with other peoples.
We have no idea of what goes on behind closed doors and whilst people may seem to have it all sorted out and to be in the right place, we really can't know the personal struggles they are going through.

Does anyone else have any tips for learning how to be content?  I'd love to hear them!




Thursday 2 May 2013

Feeling Cornered

Why is it that things always seem to go belly up all at once?  We're only on the second day of the month, a month which is going to be extremely time precious for me and everything has started to unravel at the seams.  No, not unravel as that indicates a slow process; burst wide open would be more apt!

Firstly, it is Eli's birthday party this Saturday and Meg's the week after.  I had hoped that I would have lots of space this week to finalise details and get everything ready.  So naturally Meg was up most of the night on Sunday being sick, meaning I had to take the day off work on Monday.  Eli then followed suit and has become increasingly unwell throughout the week meaning someone was going to have to take the day off today with him.  This is always a point of contention in our house as my husband will never take days off and would rather cart the children off to nursery regardless of their health and wellbeing (ok, I may be exaggerating a teensy bit...) so it has caused the house to be full of tension which I hate.


On top of that we booked a holiday with our savings and paid in full and then our washing machine broke, so now we are living with no washing machine.  Trust me when I say that a husband who works on building sites, two small children and a dog don't mix well with no washing machine.  I never thought I would be craving the day I could do a load of washing but there you go, I am!


The job that we were so hopeful about for my husband has gone totally silent, after being head-hunted and told the company were so keen to meet him, he hasn't yet made it to interview stage yet so we just don't think it's going to happen.


It's easy, with hindsight, to comment on how you knew God always had a plan, was always walking alongside you as evidenced by the small things that you perhaps didn't see at the time but what about when you're living in it?


In my heart I know that God has a plan but when I'm living out my day to day life and it's one negative thing after the next I feel like I've lost control and I just want to climb into bed and pretend that everything around me doesn't exist.


It's learning to walk through the negatives with your head up, trusting in God that he will guide us through.  I can vouch for the fact that it is not easy.  At all.


A few weeks ago, I came across this song and instantly fell in love with it.  I initially related to it in terms of stepping out into all that God has for us but as I was singing it yesterday in the desperate hope that it would help Eli to go to sleep, I considered that it actually applies to all situations in our lives.




"I will call upon your name, keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace.
I am yours, and you are mine."

Right now it feels like I am being completely belted by my waves and more like I'm drowning than walking but I guess that's where reliance on God comes into it.


The knowledge that he works all things for our good, not just some of them, or the amount that our behaviour merits.  All things.


I'm sorry this is something of a mournful post today.  It would be so easy to write this down and then not click on 'publish', to vent my thoughts and feel better in myself but never get further than that but I don't think that's right.  I started this blog to share all aspects of my walk of faith and that means the positive and the negative.  


So, bear with me on this one please.  I hope to bring you some cheerier news next time!!


Friday 19 April 2013

Jump {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday


I'm joining in with Five Minute Friday as usual this week.  If you don't know what it is then in short:


1. Write for 5 minutes flay on the prompt with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.


2. Link back and invite others to join in.


3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you.  Every writer longs to feel heard.


This week's prompt is Jump


Ready?


GO!


That terrifying moment when your heart is beating wildly, so much so that you feel as though it will burst out of your chest; your mouth feels dry, your hands are clammy...and you have a choice to make about whether you close your eyes and go for it or whether you take a step back and walk away.

How often are we faced with moments like this in our walk of faith?  One of the testers I have as to whether something is from God is how terrified it makes me feel.  If I start to feel panicky, nervous and twitchy...then it’s usually a God thing.  God likes to challenge us, he likes to move us out of our comfort zones and forwards into his plan.


A few years ago I visited Zambia (I say a few, it was almost 8 years!) and whilst we were there a friend did a bungee jump over the Zambezi.  I can remember watching him and thinking what an absolutely crazy person he was.  How desperate for an adrenaline high do you have to get to willingly throw yourself off a bridge over a raging torrent of water?  There was no way I would ever do something like that.  Not a chance!


Walking with God can sometimes feel like that though I think.  Part of the learning journey I am on at the moment, and I'm sure if you've read each of my posts you’ll soon be sick of me sharing about it, is how much we need to rely on God.  That moment when you feel utterly scared about what you are being called to do, that’s the moment when you need to put your trust 100% into God.  It cannot be done in your own strength; it has to be in God’s.


We are all called by God to live such amazing lives.  Each of us has our own perfectly handcrafted plan and to walk in the fullness of that plan we need to walk hand in hand with God.  I don’t think it can be done any other way.  Yes it will mean risks, it will mean leaps of faith, it will mean taking a deep breath and trusting that our God is always there to catch us.


Have you ever made a physical jump? There’s that moment when you are totally exhilarated, almost weightless and you feel completely free.  Your mind clears and when you land you feel as though you could take on the world.  However scary it might seem taking that initial step, think about the rewards of what you will be leaping into. Go for it!


STOP!

Tuesday 16 April 2013

Thankful {God has a plan!}

Today I am thankful that God has got a bigger plan for us.  

Meg received her place for primary school today and it is our first choice for placement.  A voluntary aided C of E, which is such a fantastic family school.  Not putting our catchment school down we were really nervous she would end up placeless but praise God she didn't and she will be going to a school with two other children that she knows from our Church.


My husband has also got an interview in the next week or so for a job which would be based locally.  It was supposed to be tomorrow but there are so many line managers who want to be a part of the interview and meet with him that they are struggling to find a date they can all do.  He was head-hunted for this role and thus far seems to fit all their criteria; they wanted someone who lived in the area we do with certain qualifications, all of which my husband has.  It will be a completely different role to the one he does now but he wants a change so that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I don't know what the outcome will be but so far so good and we are trusting God that if this is a job hand picked for my husband that it will go well and he will know it's the right decision to make.


I am thankful that God is as much at work in the small details of our lives as he is in the big things.


Can't wait to see what's next!



Friday 12 April 2013

Here {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday

It's been a busy little week and I haven't had any chance at all to sit down at the computer and write but I didn't want to miss out on Five Minute Friday as I am really starting to enjoy the freedom of writing whatever comes to mind. 

So, if you don't know what Five Minute Friday is, here's what you do:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat on the prompt with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.
2. Link back and invite others to join in.
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

This week's theme is Here

GO!

Last Sunday our Pastor was talking to us about restoration, about God's ultimate plan for our lives and he said something which has stuck in my mind all week, "God isn't forgetful, he doesn't leave us outside alone"...in other words, He is Here.  Always.  Right now wherever you are.  God is there.

Sometimes it can be so so easy to forget that.  I do it all the time and never fail to be surprised when God reveals that he has been present all along. 

At the moment my husband is looking for another job.  He wants to stay in a similar line of work but do something a bit different, something with better hours so that he can spend more time with us as a family instead of leaving the house at 6.15am every morning and not getting home until after 6pm.  Unfortunately though he's been struggling to find a job.  Companies want to employ him, just doing the same work that he is doing now which isn't what he's after.

Last month a great opportunity came up which opened our eyes to the different kinds of work he could do.  We were so excited, feedback from his interview was really great and we started to get a bit ahead of ourselves making plans about how our lives would be vastly different.  Then he didn't get the job.  Which sucked.  Not only that, he has spent the last month hitting his head against the wall not getting any other prospective job interviews.

I actually made the comment to him last week, after hearing some good news about a friend (I know, I need to learn to be a bit more gracious!) "why does it feel like everybody else is getting opportunities and we are just stuck?"

You think I would have learned after the last time I started making sweeping statements and writing situations off that God just doesn't work like that.  He must get very fed up watching me chase my tail around for an hour or so and then exclaiming that I've had enough, instead of simply trusting that he hasn't forgotten us.  That he is with us always and has our best interests at heart. 

Because, this week, my husband has had several job opportunities present themselves.  Much better job opportunities.  One in particular would be so beyond perfect that I daren't even get my hopes up for a second, just in case.  But it really proves to me once again that all I need to do is trust in God.  I am such a 'here and now' person that I struggle with trusting that it's all in hand.  I want to know what the next step is, what will it look like, when will it happen, how will I know etc etc 

It's something I'm working on at the moment!  And God keeps on with me.  I get in a muddle, finally remember that I'm not working in my own strength and then God opens the doors for us.  If only I could remember that in the first place I think our lives would be a good deal less stressful!!

So, my lesson for the week: God has not forgotten me, you or anybody else.  He is here. 

STOP!

Friday 5 April 2013

After {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday

I am joining in with LisaJo Baker again this week for Five Minute Friday.

Here's what you do:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat on the prompt with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.
2. Link back and invite others to join in.
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

The theme this week is 'After'

Go!

Have you ever made a mistake?  The worst part, in my opinion is after the fact; when you realise you've done wrong and then have to deal with the consequences.  That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know that you are going to have to face something that you'd really really rather not.  I, for one, am great at dodging dealing with stuff.  Burying my head in the sand and pretending situations don't exist?  Easy!

The thing is, God doesn't want us to live like that.  We have to learn to think wisely before we make our mistakes, and, for those times when we forget, we have to learn to act with grace and humility.  To go back and deal with those consequences we'd rather pretend didn't exist.

I remember one time on a work night out talking to my then boss and he said to me "why do you have to explain yourself to anyone?  Just be who you are and the rest of them can get lost" (This is the clean version!)  Wouldn't that just be a great way to live?  To be able to live your life without fear of having to come up with justifications for your behaviour, without having to worry about how other people view you.  To be however you wanted without ever having to offer up a single explanation for the way you have acted.

Except...it wouldn't.  People would get hurt, relationships would be damaged, it would be difficult to move forwards.  Life would be total chaos.

We are living in the 'after' of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us when he took our sin and our shame on himself.  That means we have a responsibility to make good on that.  That means there are consequences to the way that we live our life.  That we need to choose to live wisely and honourably. 

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse" Philippians 4 v 8-9 {The Message}

Easier said than done sometimes!  But, when we do choose to live our lives that way there is an amazing response.  I believe people feel secure in being part of your life because they know and understand the way you operate and respond to that.  Relationships are real because everyone is on the same page; if you make a mistake and you are willing to admit it, apologise (if necessary) and move forwards then that earns a lot of respect.  Especially, I have found, amongst people of have a fixed image of what being a Christian is.

In our church family at the moment we're learning a lot about community and living life like Jesus.  Amongst real people living real life, which means walking with them through real situations.  Being ourselves and not trying to be a 'perfect' image of something we will always fail to live up to thereby letting people down.  It means sometimes having to swallow our pride and admit that we have got it wrong but I prefer it 100% to trying to pretend that I never fall down.

Living in the 'after' demands certain things of you, yes.  But it also allows a great sense of freedom.  Jesus died not just to cover the bad things you would do but also to give you the freedom to be the amazing person he designed.  That's the kind of 'after' I can get on board with!

Stop!

Hmm, a bit more rambly than last week.  I'm afraid I lost my way a bit with this theme!  I hope it made sense to those who chose to read it.  As someone who enjoys perfecting the things she writes I'm not sure whether I find it liberating or terrifying not to be able to go back and correct.  It is a literal splurge of my thoughts out into the open!

Monday 1 April 2013

What's Your Risk?

I mentioned in an earlier post about my time away recently with my church family. Something else which was posed to us whilst there was the question "what is your risk?"

I imagine that this challenged people in a multitude of ways. Some were prompted to step forwards and share with the rest of us. Others turned inwards, became reflective and simply sat. My husband's risk was offering to pray for his boss's daughter who is extremely poorly when he returned to work.


As soon as the words left the Pastor's (I'm positive he won't appreciate this title but needs must!) mouth I felt God drop my 'risk' into my heart. I knew and understood it without even a moments hesitation as it's something I've been wondering and considering for some time.


What was it, I hear you ask?


This.


Me sitting here, writing and sharing this.


Allowing people a look in on my walk of faith.


I am a brilliant compartmentalist.  Every aspect of my life is separated within my brain.  Every role I take on has it's place.  That isn't to say that I'm a different person (much!) in every role and I always aim to be honest about my beliefs with anyone who asks but I'm not forthcoming about it.  I don't talk much about my christian life unless it's prompted.  Even within my church family my contributions are controlled and measured.  For me to be open would be IS a risk.


Publishing this blog on my personal social media networks invites people to look, people who probably wouldn't come into contact with my faith otherwise.  Linking it with my family life blog with it's growing readership is running the risk of slowing that or even losing some regular visitors.


But, I believe that writing is one of my gifts (and one I've discounted until recently) and to not write, about anything, would be to stop God using my gifts for His greater purpose.


Risks cost.  That's well known.  The question really is whether you are willing to pay the price for the bigger picture.


I can't say what the outcome of this risk will be.  There may be loss.  There may be injury to my pride.  I may feel nervous about clicking 'publish', but I have to trust God, that this is just a tiny part of something so much bigger than me.


Even this morning I was still debating over whether to publish this post and whilst scanning over my twitter timeline I saw a quote come up which served as a massive encouragement that sometimes you just have to take that step.




(I'm really learning at the moment that God is always trying to speak to us, even when we're completely unaware of it!)

Then I was reminded of this verse, for days when taking that step seems like it's the hardest thing in the world:

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18 v 2 

What better safety net could we ask for when stepping out into a world of risk?

I don't have any pearls of wisdom to tie this post up nicely I'm afraid.  Just this challenge: what is your risk?  Take some time today to consider it and be encouraged to go for it!

Following the 'unveiling' of my first post on this blog I received some totally unexpected feedback.  A handful of people got in touch with words of encouragement, people I would never expect to read and respond.  Had I not started down this road of risk I would never have seen those messages.  It makes me excited for what else could be on it's way!

Friday 29 March 2013

Broken {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday

I'm joining in for the first time with Five Minute Friday, hopefully I can stick to the rules and not get caught blathering on about inconsequential stuff!!

Here goes!


This week's theme is 'broken'


Not too long ago, someone dropped this thought on me: "sometimes God has to break things in you to allow space for new life to emerge.". Immediately my mind jumped to negative things: pride, stubbornness, arrogance, issues of sin etc pbut what happens when God breaks something seemingly good?


18 months ago my husband and I were ticking along quite nicely, thank you very much, when a rapid chain of events caused our happy little bubble to come tumbling down around our ears. Friendships were severed, trusts were broken, life got lonely and confusing, we felt abandoned by those who were meant to be helping and guiding us. We retreated away to lick our wounds and wonder what on earth we had done to cause this awful, unexpected thing to occur. Sadly, we've been walking through the backlash of that ever since.


Just recently however, we've begun to experience change, a new sense of hope has started to emerge. It isn't a case of the things which were broken being repaired, unfortunately life isn't always as simple as that (if ever!) but we have seen new growth within ourselves. Stepping out of the battlefield we've lived in for over a year and into something infinitely better. And it's exciting!


We are trusting God that He broke something to make it better. Perhaps we couldn't see there was anything wrong but God, who ultimately wants the very best for us, could see. We are walking with a new sense of freedom and purpose and it's amazing!


We have learned so much about holding onto the promises of God. That even when your valley seems long and wide, your situation hopeless; that God is still your resting place and your stronghold.


At the time it seemed irrational and unfair and I'm sure we'll carry the marks of the events for some time but (as I'm learning more and more) God is working for something much bigger than we can imagine and if being a part of that means occasionally things have to get broken then I'm open and willing to trust in my amazing God.


"...and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8 v 28


Wednesday 27 March 2013

God-Given Dreams

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29 v 11

I recently had the privilege of going away with my church family.  It's amazing how a simple change of scenery can make such a difference.  People who I have never seen share on a Sunday morning (in my six years of being there anyway!) were bringing pictures and words from God.  It was truly fantastic.


But, I digress.  One of the threads which came through was about God bringing dead dreams alive.  A very fitting picture was described by one lady, that of an eagle rising from the ashes and soaring high.


This ties in so much what what I've been pondering on lately.  Towards the end of February I started thinking about lost dreams; plans and hopes for the future which haven't come to fruition.  Quite out of the blue really the main question I wondered over was "at what point do you draw a line under the dreams you had when you were younger and accept that they aren't going to happen?"  If I consider my practical situation, some of the vaster dreams I have will surely never be realised.  


Growing up in a church environment, attending youth groups etc I have often heard statements such as "God has put dreams and desires in your heart."  And I suppose I never really considered the possibility that these dreams might have to change and adapt.


So it was in light of these thoughts that I began to mentally strikeout some of the things I had always pictured myself doing.


With hindsight, I imagine this is the point where God face palmed and exclaimed "for crying out loud, have some patience!"


Patience: quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.  Ability to suppress restlessness


Definitely not my strong suit here, I cannot claim to be gifted in any of the above!


Literally a week after having my 'realistic life shake up' (haha!) an opportunity landed in my lap which not only convinced me that God has a sense of humour but also was a sharp reminder of how we can so easily forget that God has a bigger picture and a perfectly timed plan for all of us.  This opportunity has the potential to fulfil all of the dreams I wrote off.  Every single one of them!  If that isn't a superb example of God's timing then I don't know what is.


Shortly after this, a very close friend emailed me an excerpt from the new Holley Gerth book which said:


"Hey you...the one looking for more purpose and listening for God's plan.  Here's what that restlessness is really all about: there's a God-sized dream knocking on the door of your heart."


What if those thoughts I'd been having had been brought to the surface by a sense of restlessness?  A preparation in my heart for what was heading my way so that I wouldn't dismiss it as 'impractical' or 'not for right now?'


Once again I am reminded that the best way to navigate our way through life is to trust in God and know that he will fulfil the hopes and desires he has planted in our hearts (yes, I really do believe there is truth in that!)


And whilst we may say "can't" "impossible" "impractical" "never", God says "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matt 19 v 26


Monday 25 March 2013

Jealousy

Jealousy: the green eyed monster we all feel.  All of us, come on admit it...even those of us who try really hard not to!

Over the past 18 months we've been walking through a big vast wide valley...to us it feels humungous, insurmountable almost and it has been so difficult to not look around and view everyone else's situations with jealousy.  It feels as though the things that we wish for the most, those ideals and dreams that we hold close to our hearts are snatched away every time we reach for them.


Jealousy is something I have always fought against.  I'm a do-er by nature, I like to push forward, get on with things and this is often displayed in my wanting to complete things and move onto 'the next stage' 


Marriage: tick

Children: tick
Family pet: tick

and so on and so on. 


So to feel as though we've hit a brick wall, to feel as though everyone else is moving forwards and we are just stuck is incredibly difficult for me to swallow.  I look around with seething envy and think "why can't we have a bit of that luck?"


But the thing I am so often reminded of at times like this, is that everyone has their own journey to walk.  And more often than not, the person that is displayed to the outside world is not the person on the inside.  I had a conversation with a friend recently, a friend who I would have suggested has got all her boxes currently ticked and is pursuing life quite happily.  Not so.  There are hopes and dreams that she carries which are not being fulfilled.  She is, to be honest, quite worried about the future and is struggling with feelings of jealousy towards other people and their situations.  Her family have their own valleys to cross.


This friend was equally surprised when I revealed that for the past 18 months I have felt caught in a continual downward spiral, that everything I touch turns to dust.  From the outside it appears that whilst we may be open about things we'd like to see change 'at some point', we haven't been particularly forthcoming about things we want to see changed 'now.'


Jealousy is hard because as people we are such self-centred beings.  It can so quickly and easily become all about us and our wants and our needs and our desires.  As Christians, we know that it should be about what God wants for our lives but that's not always easy to consider in the face of the here and now.


As always I find it important to turn to the bible and what God says, to gain some clarity on how to move on:


Proverbs 14 v 30: 'A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones'


This is such a brilliant way of saying don't fret, don't allow yourself to become bogged down by wants and wishes. Give it over to God, set your heart at peace and go out and live your life!


James 3 v 16: 'For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice'


How often, and how quickly, can feelings of jealousy multiply until they are all you can think of?  How easily do our hearts become embittered towards other people when it feels like everything is going right for them and not for us?  I have to hold my hands up and say sometimes I have even become confused about what it is I'm actually envious of because it so rapidly overtakes clear and rational thinking.  It becomes a snowball of emotion where you end up missing the point because all you can think about is how you want what you can't have.


In times like these it's important to try and take a step back.  Instead of thinking about what it is that we don't have, to think about what we do have and to thank God for those things.  I often suffer with bouts of insomnia (due to a brain which never switches off!) and something I've found which helps me is to write down three things I am thankful each day.  It gives my mind focus but also, at times when I'm feeling down I have a ready made list of all the amazing little things that happen in my every day life.  Things that are so simple to forget when we are feeling sorry for ourselves!!


I was given a lovely jacket for mother's day recently which said, on the tag "life is out there" and I thought, how amazingly apt for where we are currently at.  Life is out there not stuck in our heads or in our homes.  It's not in our gripes and grumbles, it's out there and we need to go forwards and experience it, trialling times and all.


I know, from experience, that we won't be walking through our valley forever, but that doesn't mean that I can put my head down and choose to wallow as we walk, moaning about other people and how I perceive their lives.  I need to make the decision to lift my head up, set my heart at peace, stop worrying about what everyone else has or hasn't got in comparision to me and step forwards. 


With God at my side. 


With God at my centre.

Friday 1 March 2013

Why 'Pursued by Love'?

There are many times in my life when I've thought 'that's it, I've had enough' not just about my relationship with God but about a lot of things.  Life isn't easy and I am the kind of person who instinctively rebels and pushes against things and people when the going gets tough.

But the one thing I have always had to come back to was just how much God loves me, and all of us.


The idea of being pursued may conjour up a variety of meanings for different people. I don't always think about it in the best light, but one of the meanings of pursued is 'to follow someone or something to catch them' - in it's most innocent sense I believe that is what God does. He never holds his hands up and walks away from us. He doesn't hound or harrass us or chase us down, although often there have been times in my life when I've been trying to escape and everywhere I turn there is God's love at work, guiding and calming me. He is just always there.  He has a relentless love which really never gives up despite how we may feel at the time!


I'm a very emotive and passionate person, prone to long and loud outbursts and sometimes I can feel as though I'm shouting into a void but I'm gradually learning that He is always listening and, if I can stop just a second to catch my breath, I may hear something back.


You may have come over here from my lifestyle and family blog 'Catch A Single Thought' or you may have stumbled across this accidentally. Either way, this is my personal space where I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings, sometimes overly honestly (if there's such a thing!) about my walk with God.


Because life is never perfect, we're all on a journey and sometimes the going can get really really tough but God is always waiting, always loving us, always ready.