Thursday 2 May 2013

Feeling Cornered

Why is it that things always seem to go belly up all at once?  We're only on the second day of the month, a month which is going to be extremely time precious for me and everything has started to unravel at the seams.  No, not unravel as that indicates a slow process; burst wide open would be more apt!

Firstly, it is Eli's birthday party this Saturday and Meg's the week after.  I had hoped that I would have lots of space this week to finalise details and get everything ready.  So naturally Meg was up most of the night on Sunday being sick, meaning I had to take the day off work on Monday.  Eli then followed suit and has become increasingly unwell throughout the week meaning someone was going to have to take the day off today with him.  This is always a point of contention in our house as my husband will never take days off and would rather cart the children off to nursery regardless of their health and wellbeing (ok, I may be exaggerating a teensy bit...) so it has caused the house to be full of tension which I hate.


On top of that we booked a holiday with our savings and paid in full and then our washing machine broke, so now we are living with no washing machine.  Trust me when I say that a husband who works on building sites, two small children and a dog don't mix well with no washing machine.  I never thought I would be craving the day I could do a load of washing but there you go, I am!


The job that we were so hopeful about for my husband has gone totally silent, after being head-hunted and told the company were so keen to meet him, he hasn't yet made it to interview stage yet so we just don't think it's going to happen.


It's easy, with hindsight, to comment on how you knew God always had a plan, was always walking alongside you as evidenced by the small things that you perhaps didn't see at the time but what about when you're living in it?


In my heart I know that God has a plan but when I'm living out my day to day life and it's one negative thing after the next I feel like I've lost control and I just want to climb into bed and pretend that everything around me doesn't exist.


It's learning to walk through the negatives with your head up, trusting in God that he will guide us through.  I can vouch for the fact that it is not easy.  At all.


A few weeks ago, I came across this song and instantly fell in love with it.  I initially related to it in terms of stepping out into all that God has for us but as I was singing it yesterday in the desperate hope that it would help Eli to go to sleep, I considered that it actually applies to all situations in our lives.




"I will call upon your name, keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace.
I am yours, and you are mine."

Right now it feels like I am being completely belted by my waves and more like I'm drowning than walking but I guess that's where reliance on God comes into it.


The knowledge that he works all things for our good, not just some of them, or the amount that our behaviour merits.  All things.


I'm sorry this is something of a mournful post today.  It would be so easy to write this down and then not click on 'publish', to vent my thoughts and feel better in myself but never get further than that but I don't think that's right.  I started this blog to share all aspects of my walk of faith and that means the positive and the negative.  


So, bear with me on this one please.  I hope to bring you some cheerier news next time!!


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